Thursday, March 21, 2013

Motherf***ers: A Field Guide

In case the title of this post isn't enough of a clue, children and those disdainful of the vulgar should look away. I apologize in advance to grammarians, as well: I will be doing the English language no favors here (as if I ever do, anyway, but this post is particularly bad).

Do you all know what a simile is? If you go to that magic search engine dictionary that pops up definitions without telling you where they came from, you will learn that a simile is "A figure of speech involving the comparison of one thing with another thing of a different kind, (e.g., as brave as a lion). " Thanks to my time at FPC Duluth, I will never be at loss for a simile again. Because in one amazingly versatile word, I have found the only comparison I will ever need.


I've tried to track down a typical motherfucker, but they are elusive -- and seem to be ever-changing. For example, just as I would begin to detect a chill in the air (It's motherfuckin' cold in here!), a blast of warmth would head me off in another direction (It's hotter than a motherfucker up in this bitch!).  They are not easy to pin down. If anyone has any pictures of a motherfucker in the wild -- there are many in captivity, but cameras are typically not allowed where motherfuckers are kept -- please post them in the comments section.

Meanwhile, for those who wish to stalk motherfuckers in the wild, keep an eye out for these particular characteristics:

They are attractive (Sexy as a motherfucker!) but also homely (Ugly as a motherfucker!)

They may be a little zaftig (Shit! This is heavier than a motherfucker!).  I also understand that they tend to be savory (This nacho bowl is tastier than a motherfucker!)

Motherfuckers are also wet, dry, windy, tired, fast, slow and foul-smelling. In some cases, they are bad (He is one bad motherfucker!). But just as often they are not (This is gooder than a motherfucker!).

If you surprise one, use caution as you approach (Mean as a motherfucker!). However, chances are you'll be okay (Happy as a motherfucker!).

Perhaps you'll be luckier (Lucky as a motherfucker) than I've been in tracking down a wild specimen. I can only hope so. In the meantime, happy hunting Motherfuckers!

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